BabycareAdvice.com Articles: Rowena's review of different settling methods

If ever there was a parenting topic certain to bring about heated debate its "HOW TO BEST MANAGE A CHILD'S SLEEP". Conflicting opinions abound, with every one you meet eager to share their opinion (whether you ask for it or not). I know that's what I am about to do right now, but at least I tried to warn you with the heading.

The three questions I am most frequently asked by parents, as they battle to choose how best they can encourage their infant's or child's sleep, are...

1. Will I cause any psychological damage by allowing my child to cry?

It concerns me that many exhausted parents are made to feel even MORE GUILT (than they already feel) by claims, based purely on opinion, that they will cause psychological damage to their child should they choose to use a settling method that involves ANY crying.

Such claims are often based (somewhat inaccurately) on studies that conclude that SEVERE emotional deprivation, similar to that experienced by institutionalized children in Romania orphanages, can psychologically damage a child. Nobody would disagree with this. However, I find it absurd that the emotional trauma experienced by these unfortunate institutionalized children is so frequently compared with children of devoted and loving parents, because the parents choose to use a settling method that involves SOME crying (which is quite different to leaving a child to 'cry-it-out').

There has been NO research or documented evidence supporting claims that using a settling method that involves some level of crying will in fact any cause emotional or psychological damage to a loved and treasured child. And do you know why? Because it would be, in every practical sense, impossible to separate the effects of different settling methods from the HUGE array of cares that parents lovingly provide every day, which combined contribute to the psychological and emotional health of their child. How a child's sleep is managed is only ONE aspect in a very complex role of parenting.

Unfortunately those who spout claims of psychological damage are rather remiss in NOT informing you of studies that highlight the fact that an infant's psychological and emotional health is STRONGLY influenced by the psychological and emotional health of the mother (or main caregiver). Stressed and exhausted parents cannot continue to provide a high level of nurturing to their child indefinitely, if their OWN needs continue to go unmet.

There may be times when changes to the way a child is settled to sleep (in a bid to encourage more sleep) is necessary for the well being of the ENTIRE family, to which the child's health both physically and emotionally is dependent.

2. Is my child trying to manipulate me?

Of equal concern is that parents are often told that their child is trying to MANIPULATE them by their continued "demands" (most often in the form of crying) for parents help to fall asleep. This is rubbish! Infants and young children are NOT capable of manipulation.

A child seeks a parent's help to fall asleep BECAUSE the parent has encouraged the child's dependence on their help in the past, either intentionally or unintentionally. (See sleep associations). It would be UNREALISTIC to expect a child to understand WHY a parent would choose to help them to fall asleep sometimes (when it's convenient to the parent e.g. during the day) but NOT provide this help at other times (when it's not convenient to the parent e.g. during the night).

3. What settling method would I recommend?

Like everyone else, I have my own opinions on what I believed was the right way to settle my own children. (They don't need settling these days as they have all grown). My opinion on the best way for other parents is...

"It's the RIGHT of each individual family to choose a settling method they find works BEST for their child."

As with everything else regarding parenting there is no 'ONE RIGHT WAY'. A settling method that suits some will not suit others. No matter what method of settling you choose, provided your baby is happy and you are also happy with your choice, then what your are currently doing is perfect for your family. However, if either you or your baby is not happy, then you may find a different settling method will suit you both.

So what options are available?

Attachment Parenting

At the far left of the scale is 'Attachment Parenting'. This parenting style, which encourages full parental involvement in a child's sleep, is strongly advocated by renowned childcare expert, Dr William Sears, as well as many health professionals and breastfeeding support groups around the world.

Parents are encouraged to assist their child to fall asleep and to stay asleep; by co-sleeping, by laying with their child, by breastfeeding, cuddling or carrying their baby in a sling. Parents are urged to patiently wait until their child eventually outgrows the need for parental assistance to sleep.

I believe virtually every parent and every health professional would agree that at least IN THEORY this style of settling sounds like 'the way to go'. But in REALITY this settling approach does NOT work for all children nor all parents.

How well this style of settling works depends very much on a mother's personality, the demands on her time from other sources, and not least, the temperament of her child. Children with an 'easy-going' temperament and mothers with carefree, relaxed attitudes would very much enjoy this settling style.

However... working mothers; mothers suffering with post-partum depression; mothers of multiple children; or mothers who prefer a little more structure in their lives, may find this settling approach less appealing. If teamed with an 'irritable' baby, or 'high needs' baby as Dr. Sears refers to these children, the combination may result in nobody's NEEDS being met - not the child's and certainly not the mother's.

No-Cry Sleep Solution

Just right of Attachment Parenting on the scale, is a recently 'new cab off the rank' in Elizabeth Pantley's 'No-cry Sleep Solution'. In her book, Elizabeth, a mother of 4 children and a parenting educator, provides an excellent source of information on how to gently encourage your baby to learn to fall asleep independently. This gentle settling approach requires a HIGH level of parental involvement over a period of 10 days to 2 months (or more).

This approach would be well suited for babies with 'easy-going' temperaments and stay-at-home mothers, who are content to make gradual changes. However, for desperate, exhausted parents of 'irritable' babies, this settling option requires a level of parental involvement that few sleep deprived parents would have the stamina to sustain over such a long period of time.

Controlled Crying

Towards the opposite end of the scale, many health professionals believe the way to encourage healthy sleep habits is for a child to learn to fall asleep without parents help. Contrary to popular opinion 'Controlled Crying' (sometimes referred to as 'Controlled Comforting') does NOT advocate leaving a child to 'Cry-it-out'.

Dr. Richard Ferber, director of the Sleep Laboratory and Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children's Hospital in Boston, advocates for a settling method which involves parents placing the child into his own bed (or crib) tired but awake. As the child is learning to settle to sleep independently, comfort and parental reassurance is proved to the child at timed intervals.

Controlled Crying is a very effective form of sleep management. Nonetheless, it too is not for every parent or every child. A father I once met described his experience using this method...

"I think they called it 'Controlled Crying' is because parents have to use all the control they have to stop themselves from crying as they listen to their crying child."

Although I am in agreement that a child who learns to settle to sleep independently will often sleep more soundly (and for longer), personally I have reservations about using timed interventions, as it encourages parents to watch the clock RATHER than respond to the needs of their child.

Cry-it-out

Far right on the scale is the 'Cry-it -out' approach. This settling method was made popular in the 50's by renowned childcare expert of the time, Dr. Benjamin Spock. Dr. Spock advised young parents to leave babies cry it out sometimes rather than to pick them up at every little whimper. He suggested that parents leave their babies to cry in their crib for as long as it took to fall asleep.

Personally, I almost never recommend Cry-it-out as a settling option. However, I do acknowledge that in some situations, where a parent is extremely stressed or physically exhausted or possibly angry at their child, this may be the safest option (as a temporary measure). It would be far better to place an child into the safety of their bassinette or crib to be left to cry while a parent takes any necessary time to cool off and calm down.

So what is left?

BabycareAdvice.com Settling Plans

What makes 'BabycareAdvice.com Settling Plans' so EFFECTIVE is... they are tailored to suit individual children and individual families.

In comparison to other settling options (mentioned above) our Settling Plans fit somewhere towards the middle of the scale. Exactly where depends on what you feel will best suit your child and your family.

We design a Settling Plan for your child only AFTER talking with you. During a consultation we discuss...

At this time we also make recommendations on a range of different settling methods for you to choose from. As soon as possible following your consultation we email your child's Settling Plan to you, which include step by step instructions, for your consideration and comments.

If necessary your child's Settling Plan can be further modified at the time you receive it OR at any time during the following week, as we continue to SUPPORT YOU (via email) while you follow the steps of the Settling Plan to reach your goal.

HOW WE CAN HELP you to encourage your child to establish healthy sleeping habits.

Rowena's review of different settling methods

A parent's right to choose