BabycareAdvice.com Articles: How to know whether you're ready or not to have children

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy test

Obtain a box of lego (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom and kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery store test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them is sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag and make sure all the arms are inside.

Feeding test

Obtain one large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents on the floor.

Night test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with sand. Soak it thoroughly with water. At 3.00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 7.00pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10.00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard of. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4.00am. Set alarm for 5.00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Car test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a coin. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

Physical test (women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans and try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Physical test (men)

Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the sales person to help themselves. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your pay to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

How to know whether you're ready or not to have children

Mess test